Don't Stand at My Grave and Weep
by MandyShepard
Summary: One Month after the destruction of the Normandy SR1, Kaidan is still trying to come to terms with the death of Shepard. Sat lost in his grief in an empty apartment, he receives a visit from Anderson, who holds a small wooden box and instructions to deliver it to Kaidan by hand.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Another kind of angsty fic, sorry. What can i say, i'm working through my issues with things left unaddressed. Fluff up next, i promise, its already at 3k words.

Anyways hope you like it, please leave a review... they make my day!

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**Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep**

Chapter One

~Silverware~

It was always relentlessly bright and sunny on the citadel, even at night. The artificial sunlight seemed to radiate everywhere; it invaded every corner of the wards. The only exception being one modest apartment overlooking the retail district.

The blinds had been hastily closed, blocking out all but a thin sliver of the light, which cut a harsh line across the figure sat hunched on the couch. He was deathly still, head bowed, a bottle of TM88-Peruvian whiskey in hand and a silver fork resting on the table before him.

Closing the blinds had been the first thing he did, as soon as he'd hacked his way past the secure lock, with a deft swipe and a tap or two of his omni-tool. He was breaking at least six laws with that one act, but quite frankly, he was long past caring.

He'd closed the blinds not in an attempt to conceal his criminal act, but from a desire for his environment to reflect the crushing darkness he felt in his heart and soul. He'd hoped to find the apartment full of personal items, a veritable treasure trove of object that would give him some comfort. Books that she'd loved. Sentimental trinkets that each held a story close to her heart. Pictures of her or people and places from her past. Notes she'd left for herself, jewellery, toiletries, _anything_! He just needed to have something to hold, to touch, to smell. He needed some kind of connection to her, some conformation that she _had_ existed.

He was mortified to discover the apartment was empty, apart from the basic integrated furniture there was nothing there. He'd searched everywhere, calmly at first, lightly opening drawers and cupboards and peering within. As his search grew more desperate, he became less gentle. By the time he made it to her compact bedroom, all care had gone out the window. He ripped the drawers out of the dresser and flung them behind him when he found nothing inside. With a blinding flash of blue he upended her bed, sending the covers and pillows flying. When he saw there was nothing underneath he dropped to his knees and raked his hands down his face, the excessive amount of stubble that he had uncharacteristically let build up, scratched his palms roughly. He turned to look at the item on the coffee table. For all his searching, all he could find was one fork in a kitchenette drawer.

That's how he came to be where he was, sat on her couch in her empty dark apartment, nursing the whiskey he had brought as he made his way there. Staring at that piece of nondescript silver cutlery, with tears streaming down his face and an ache in his heart so intense he could hardly breathe.

He didn't know how long he'd sat there lost in his grief, minutes? Hours? What was the point in paying attention to time, there was nothing to look forward to anymore. No more stolen kisses. No more secretly holding hands under the mess hall table. No more making love in her cabin under the pretext of squad review meetings. He'd never again smell her hair or touch her smooth skin. Never hear her voice. Never watch her as she slept. Never hear stories of her childhood or share his own. But worst of all, _she'd_ never hear him say 'I love you', and _he'd_ never know if she'd say it in return. The pain of that thought made him feel physically sick. His head throbbed and he could feel a debilitating migraine creeping up on him. He knew the alcohol wasn't helping but he needed something to take the edge off. He tossed back a jolt of the whisky and closed his eyes, savouring the burn in the back of his throat and with trembling hands; he reached over and ran his finger tips tenderly along the fork.

Harsh light flooded into the apartment as the door hissed open. Kaidan blinked up impassively at the tall, broad silhouetted figure standing in the doorway, before returning his attention to the half finished whiskey bottle in his hand. The figure stepped over the fresh hold and the door hissed shut behind him, returning him to oppressive gloom.

"Sir." Kaidan whispered, acknowledging the senior officer as he rubbed the tears from his eyes with the heel of his hands.

Anderson stepped forward surveying the disarray of the apartment, using the gesture as an excuse to avert his eyes and give the Lieutenant a moment to collect himself.

"How did you find me?" he reluctantly turned to Anderson with a defeated sigh.

Anderson met his eyes as he approached the couch, pausing to set the wooden box he held down on the small glass coffee table next to the fork.

"Your omni-tool. I called your doctor trying to locate you, he advised me you had already finished your meeting and would be somewhere on the Citadel. I instructed an intelligence officer to ping your omni-tool and get me a fix on your location."

It had been a month since the destruction of the Normandy. Kaidan was still on administrative leave and undergoing twice weekly psychological evaluations. He'd been diagnosed with PTSD after he'd attacked members of a retrieval team. The team had responded to the distress call of the Normandy and were at the time organising the recovery of the crew from the escape pods. When they had refused to give him access to a shuttle so he could search for Shepard, Kaidan became uncharacteristically enraged. He'd lashed out as they attempted to restrain him, knocked one soldier out cold and broke the others arm in three places before a medics managed to administer a sedative.

Today's session with Alliance psychologist Dr Frank Peterson had been particularly hard for him. It had been announced three days ago that Shepard was officially being declared killed in action. All attempts to find and recover her body had been suspended. The Alliance was giving up on her, and they expected him to give up on her too. How could he? How could anyone expect him to just shrug and carry on regardless? He'd lost his love, his heart, his future. But of course, they didn't know that. They just saw a young Lieutenant whose commission had been blown out from under him. Who'd survived a major trauma, escaping by the skin of his teeth. An officer who had lost fellow crew members and a CO he respected and admired.

It had been a matter of official record that just prior to the final destruction of the Normandy, Kaidan, sat in his jettisoned escape pod, had hacked into Shepards suit com via her omni-tool. By the use of some non standard applications, he had managed to patch her com system to broadcast direct to his own. He was only able to set it to broadcast out, not receive, so he couldn't call out to her, tell her he loved her. He heard her breathing hard as she tumbled from the wreckage. There was the unmistakable hiss of escaping air and he knew she was in trouble when her breath hitched and she whispered 'Oh god no'. Her breathing began to accelerate as she no doubt tried to fix the situation. The leak must have been severe, in less than 10 seconds he could hear her panicking and gasping in increasingly shallower breaths. He heard her whisper his name, a plea for help, a declaration of love, a grim acknowledgement that she would never see him again, all packed into those two syllables. She managed one more shallow, rasping breath and then there was silence from her com.

He didn't inform them of her last word before she died; he kept that too himself, like his broken heart. They didn't need to know.

"What are you doing in here son?"

Kaidan's eyes darted around the apartment, trying to come up with a plausible excuse. "I urm... I just... I..." He glanced at Anderson, his handsome features twisted in confusion and pain as he shook his head looking down, defeated.

Anderson was silent for a moment, assessing the lieutenant. He closed his eyes briefly and sighed. "You loved her." It wasn't a question; it was a simple statement of fact.

Kaidan raised his eyes sharply, visibly wincing at the use of the past tense. _**Love not Loved**__._

"I..." he began, as he took in the look of pity on Anderson's weathered face. Kaidan noticed that he too bore the unmistakable marks of grief and loss. There was a pained look in his eyes and something off about the set of his usually ridged shoulders.

"You don't have to say it son, it was fairly obvious you two were more than just CO and subordinate... to me anyway." He smiled weakly at him but Kaidan couldn't return it. He didn't think he would ever be able to smile again without her. He closed his eyes and her face swam into his memory.

~o~

_Her beautiful, bright blue eyes were alive with mischief, humour and joy as she lay beside him. Her fingers ghosted across his collarbone, twining around the chain of his dog tags. A wide genuine grin played across her face as she squeezed the two tags together in her palm. Her smile was so infectious he couldn't help but chuckle at her. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her, but as he opened his mouth she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, pulling on his chain to keep him close._

~o~

His breath hitched and he felt an oppressive constricting in his chest. A thick band of pain squeezing his heart relentlessly. He forced open his eyes; trying to banish the image of her that once had filled him with joy and longing, but now caused him immeasurable pain.

"I knew Shepard a very long time, almost half of her life, in fact. I never got around to having a family, but I always looked at her like the daughter I never had. I was so proud of how she turned out, and I'm glad she found you before the end. Glad she let herself care about someone like that again. After everything she must have lived through on Mindoir, I honestly didn't know if she ever would. To see her look at you the way she did when she crawled out of the rubble up in the Presidium..." He glanced down at his hands rested on his knees and became lost in his own memories of Shepard.

"Sir?" Kaidans raspy grief laden voice brought him back to the present with a jolt. "Does anyone else know?"

"No." He proclaimed emphatically "and they won't hear about it, not from me anyway."

They sat for a while in companionable silence before Anderson sat back and with a sigh, he turned to face Kaidan.

"You didn't answer my question before. What were you doing in here?" he took the bottle of whisky from Kaidans limp fingers and he didn't protest. "Besides getting blind drunk."

Kaidan closed his eyes and buried his head in his hands, elbows propped on his knees.

"I don't have anything to remember her by. Everything of hers went down with the Normandy. That's why I came here, I just found out she had this place. I was hoping to find something of hers here." He reached forward and reverently grasped the fork. "This is the only thing I found."

Kaidan sighed, twisting the fork around in his fingers, watching the light that snuck through the blinds reflect off its surface. "I love her so damn much and this is all I have of her. I don't even have a picture of her, of us. They were all on her omni-tool and she hadn't gotten around to sending them to me." His voice cracked as an overwhelming sense of loss washed over him. He dropped the fork on to the table with a clatter and grasped his head, tugging painfully at his hair as he sobbed. He wanted to have a more tangible, physical pain to focus on. He was used to physical pain; you couldn't be in active service and not be, he could handle that kind of discomfort. Emotional pain was different, worse. It couldn't be slathered with Medi-Gel to relieve the sting and throb and pain relief didn't begin to touch the agony of a broken heart.

Anderson placed a hand gently on his shoulder. "I think I can help you there son." He reached forward and silently slid the wooden box across towards Kaidan, who looked up quizzically through his tears.

"What is that?"His voice a barley audible whisper, as he attempted to bring himself under control once more.

"This" Anderson explained as he patted the box "Is the reason I was looking for you. I received a request to deliver this to you personally. Along with this OSD." Anderson handed him an optical storage device from his pocket.

"What is this? Who asked you to do this?" His brow knitted in confusion as he rolled the OSD in his hand.

Anderson again placed his hand on Kaidans shoulder. "It's from Shepard, son."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**~If You're Watching This...~**

Kaidans eyes widened in shock and he stared at the box before him, gripping tightly onto the OSD.

"I don't understand, sir."

"When a marine is officially declared KIA, brass checks for a Last Will and Testament of the deceased, it's an automatic procedure. Shepard had a will on file, updated 6 weeks prior to the destruction of the Normandy via the extranet. I was contacted as there was a requested that I deliver these items to you personally as soon as they arrived from storage at Arcturus. I was also told that the OSD contains data files and a vid that you need to play before opening the box or accessing any of the files."

Kaidan was shell shocked. She had left him something in her will. A will that was updated 6 weeks ago, that would put it around the time they 'liberated' the Normandy and headed for Ilos. Around the time that they had first made love.

Anderson placed the bottle of whiskey on the table and rose to his feet, automatically straightening his uniform before turning to Kaidan.

"I'll give you some privacy, son. If you need to talk after just call me, I'll be around." He gave him a reassuring smile and headed out of the door.

Kaidan was once again left alone in the gloom of her apartment. He reached over and grasped the whiskey, taking a swig to try and steady his nerves. It didn't work, his hands shook and his stomach was tied up in knots. He stood slowly and on unsteady legs, walked across to the large vid screen on the far wall. He squeezed the OSD in his hand firmly, took a deep breath, slid it into the slot on the left hand side of the screen and returned to the couch. Anderson was right; there was a massive amount of data on this thing. He scanned down past the folders quickly looking for a vid file and there it was, right at the bottom of the page a vid file dated 17th September 2183 – the day they stole the Normandy – titled 'PLAY ME FIRST'. With a tap of his omni-tool, Kaidan selected the file.

The screen buzzed with static for a brief moment and suddenly Shepards face filled the screen. He long chocolate brow hair hung loose down past her shoulders in a silken curtain. Her eyes looked so alive and a slight flush was evident on her cheeks. She was wearing the black N7 tank top that he always loved. It clung to her like a second skin, accentuating her curves. She seemed to be sat at the desk by the door to her cabin. The sheets of her bed were in a mound on one side, she must have just woken up. That night they would come together, scared that they were out of time and not wanting to let their feeling be left unspoken. Shepard was fidgeting slightly, picking at her nails but her eyes were fixed and determined. When she spoke it was barely above a whisper.

"Hey Kaidan. If you're watching this, I guess I didn't make it." Kaidan stared at her apologetic smile and struggled to swallow past the growing lump in his throat.

She tossed back her head dramatically "God I hope it was impressive, a big explosion or the ultimate sacrifice, something like that. If I was crushed to death by an unobservant Elcor, I'm gonna be so pissed!" she lent forward, a small smirk played briefly across her face. She sighed and shook her head, her nose wrinkling.

"Sorry. Probably not the best time to make jokes" He rolled his eyes at her ever inappropriate sense of humour. "but it might be my last chance to make you roll your eyes at me, and boy would I hate to miss that." Her smile was radiant and full of good humour but that suddenly faded and her brow knitted in a concerned frown. "Plus, there is every chance you saw me go. I don't want that to be the way you remember me. I want you to remember me like this, not a soldier or your Commander. I want you to remember _ME_, not the 'Commander Shepard persona', the woman behind it."

He steepled his fingers in front of his mouth, elbows rested on his knees as warm tears filled his caramel eyes.

"So... I guess I should say something official, like 'I Mandy Shepard do hereby bequeath all my shit to Kaidan Alenko', right? Cause that's what I'm doing Kaidan, I'm leaving you everything I have." She lent back slightly and raised her hands in front of her as if to silence him. "Now, don't get too excited. It's not a lot, but I want it to be yours now. I want you to have something, in case you missed me or... I don't know." She shook her head, looking down at her hands.

In case he missed her, how could he not miss her? She was everything to him, they didn't have long together as a couple but it was all he needed to know that she was the one for him. He'd never love another, _could_ never love another.

"We haven't really talked about where we want this thing of ours to go in any detail. I know you care for me and I care about you too. I don't know if we have a future together or if you even want one. We've talked about joined shore leave, but not about if that would just be a physical thing or... more. The mission we're on, it puts you in the kind of situations where you just want to hang on to someone to feel alive, anyone. So I'm not going to jump to any conclusions about where we are and what you want, ya know? Even if we go our separate ways after this mission and you move on to hesitantly flirting with someone else, that's ok, because I can honestly say that you are the one person in this entire galaxy that knows me best." She smiled warmly and he felt another cold stab of loss. The feeling was mutual, they were too sides of the same coin, together they were whole.

"I've spent the last 13 years keeping people at a distance. You're the first person I've let myself get truly attached to since Mindoir. I care so deeply about you, more than I've cared about anyone in a long time. Hell, a year ago I was in a two year relationship and I already care more about you than I ever did about Bastian. So, yeah. It's kinda a no brainer who to leave my stuff too."

_**Shepard was in a long term relationship? A year ago? That would mean she was with this guy a few month before she joined the Normandy crew. Bastian, what the hell kind of name is Bastian!? **_Kaidan found himself getting irrationally jealous of this man he'd never met. He'd had two years of being with Shepard, Kaidan had only had 10 months, and they had only been together romantically for just over seven weeks, the best seven weeks of his life.

_**He must have been a moron to let her go!**__He thought to himself. __**He didn't deserve her like I did, I would have spent my life loving her and I'd never let her go!**_ But he had, he'd turned away from her and left her in the middle of a disintegrating ship. The single worst decision he had ever made. _**You wouldn't be saying this if you knew I left you to die alone Shepard. **_

This was the reason he was still on Administrative leave when the rest of the crew were back on active duty. He couldn't get past the fact that he had left her there to die. Nobody blamed him, he had followed the order of his CO, it was all by the book.

He would replay that moment every night in his dreams. His final image of her stood amongst the twisted metal that was once their home, the flames of destruction casting her in an ethereal glow. She would shout at him, telling him to leave the ship, to leave her. He would relive his all too brief hesitation before he turned and fled. The final time she called his name would reverberate around him like an echo in a cave. Sometimes he would see her falling, tumbling through space, alone, scared. He would watch as her beautiful face ignited when she hit the atmosphere. See her broken body lying in a charred unnatural heap on some nameless planet.

Every night it was the same, he would be woken by his own screams, covered in a patina of sweat and biotic energy. When he unclenched his fists, the strained tendons of his fingers would throb. Sometimes there would be blooded half moons in his palm.

He ran his hands through his hair and pushed the guilt aside to focus on the woman he loved on the vid before him.

"So, I guess you want to know what you're getting huh? Well first off, you get all my credits. On the OSD with this vid there should be a file titled 87367-7365-9836GH, open it. That's my account and should contain my current balance. I don't know how much it is but I know it should be a decent amount."

Kaidan accessed the file remotely using his omni-tool. He scrolled through to the end balance. The figure was more than decent, it was impressive. As a Commander and an N7, Shepard was clearly on a much higher pay grade than him and looking at the data, she hardly spent any credits.

"and now it's all yours. Buy yourself something nice." She smirked "God, that makes it sound like you're my devastatingly handsome bit of arm candy." She chuckled quietly.

Kaidan couldn't help but smile and blush a little, he always did when she complimented his looks.

"Anyway, moving on as you are no doubt blushing at that. Open the file marked 231w" He clicked open the file as instructed and his mouth fell open in surprise.

"That should be the deeds to my apartment on the Citadel. Don't get too excited, it's small, crappy and I never did anything with it. I just use it to crash when I'm there. It's kinda nice to have a big non Alliance bed to sleep in from time to time. Do me a favour, give it a little attention, some personal touches. I always felt bed that I didn't make the most of it; I just never seemed to find the time. Ok, so on to file Min92781. It's another deed, this one..." She paused and looked down at her hands again. "It's for my parents land on Mindoir." She frowned and swallowed past the lump in her throat, rubbing the back of her neck. "I haven't been there since the raid. A man called Carlton Hayward lives in the house with his family and takes care of the place. He gives me 10% of the profits he makes off the land and livestock. I didn't want anything, but he insisted when I asked him if he would work the farm for me." She returned her gaze back to the camera. "Make sure you do good by him, he's a decent man." She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

There was a faint noise in the background that caught Shepards attention and she turned to look over her shoulder. He looked again to her bed in the background, there was movement and a toned olive skinned leg appeared from under what he thought was a pile of sheets. The long leg dangled over the edge of the bed, spreading out greedily. The shuffling was followed by a slight snore. He stared at the form in the bed for a moment before it dawned on him, it was his leg. He was in her cabin asleep; they must be on there way to Ilos.

She turned back to the camera and smiled warmly, her eyes losing the hint of sadness from before. She lent forward conspiratorially.

"Mr Alenko, not only do you hog the bed and steal the covers, you snore too." She giggled. "That's why I'm awake at this ungodly hour recording this vid for you." Another resounding snore came from behind her and she clasped her hand tightly across her mouth and attempted to stifle the sound of her laughter.

"Regardless of all that, I'd still let you bunk with me any day. It's worth it just to get a look at that fine arse of yours." She smiled broadly and Kaidan flushed violently. He smiled sadly back at her. It wasn't the first time she'd joked about his snoring of course.

~o~

_Her rippling peal of laughter echoed around the suite they'd rented, on the small isolated ocean planet. Kaidan had her pinned down on the bed, she was trying desperately to dodge the water dripping off of him. He was fresh from the shower and wearing only a towel, shaking his hair over her, splattering lukewarm water all over her and the bed. Shepard yelped and giggled wholeheartedly, scrunching up her nose._

"_Say that again Shepard, I dare you!" he commanded, bending down so far, his lips were almost on hers. Her eyes sparkled with excitement._

"_Kaidan Rameraz Alenko, YOU SNORE!" She chuckled. "Honestly, it's like trying to sleep next to a Volus with a bad head cold." Her grin was radiant._

_Kaidan scowled at her as he hopped up off the bed and dragged her to her feet. Grasping her around her thighs he tossed her easily over his shoulder in a firemans carry. She cried out in surprise and grasped his waist to steady herself as he strode purposefully across the bedroom towards the ensuite._

"_Kaidan, don't you dare!" she chided, knowing full well what he was about to do._

"_Hey, I gave you a chance to take it back." He turned his head slightly to the side and playfully nipped her on her hip just above her shorts._

_Her response is to reach down and yank off his towel. She tossed it to the floor and smacked his left cheek, resulting in a pleasingly loud SLAP! _

"_Ahhhh!" He yelped in surprise. "See now, I think you deserve cold water for that." He marched her right into the shower, set her down on the floor and hopped deftly out of the way of the cold water jet he'd activated. He sprinted out of the bathroom before she had a chance to collect herself._

_Before he even knew she was there, Shepard snuck up behind him with a towel in hand. She twirled the material and flicked it across his exposed cheeks, eliciting a rather girly squeal. He spun round to face her and she immediately shoved him firmly in the chest, sending him backwards to land on the bed with a significant bounce. Quick as a flash, she pounced on top of him, straddling his hips and pinning his arms against his side with her strong legs. Her N7 hand to hand combat skills shining through._

"_Hmmm, are you ticklish Mr Alenko?" Kaidans eyes widened in fear._

"_You wouldn't." He whispered._

"_Wouldn't I?" she purred before proceeding to launch an unrelenting assault on Kaidan, until he was laughing so hard tears rolled down his cheeks._

~o~

The tears rolling down his cheek now were tears of longing. Tears for the loss of all the playful, joy filled moments that now would never be. Tears for all the missed opportunities and the things left unsaid. Tears for all the time wasted.

He dashed them away roughly with the back of his hand and steeled himself with another swig of whisky, hoping desperately that he could drown those thoughts with the warm smooth drink. Hoping to leave them all in the bottom of the dark bottle and firmly lock them in with the stopper.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Final Chapter of this fic. Thanks once again to all who have reviewed, followed, favourited and taken the time to read this story. It really does make my day and feeds my addiction for writing these. :)

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Chapter Three

~I am not there, I do not sleep~

When he looked back to the vid screen Shepard's smile had faded slightly, and she continued resolutely with the grim task of doling out all her most treasured possessions.

"The rest of the data files on this OSD are all my personal files. Photos and vids from years ago, mostly friends, family and me, a few performances."Kaidans brow furrowed, a quizzical look crept across his tear streaked face._**Performances?**_ What did that mean? "I used to play piano and sing a little when I was younger. I loved music. Because of that there is a hell of a lot of songs on that OSD. I hope you enjoy them like I used to."

_**She used to, when did she stop? Why did she stop?**_ Knowing that he'd never know the answer to these and a thousand other questions was a saddening torment. He felt as if he was letting her down. Someone should remember her completely, know all there was to know about her, but nobody did and now it was too late. He wished he'd asked her more, but she was always a little guarded with her memories and emotions. He understood why and opted to give her time to open up to him, little did he know that time was not something they had in abundance. If he'd have known that, he'd have tried harder to make each second count, to squeeze every last drop of potential out of their short relationship. She wanted him to remember her as Mandy Shepard, the woman, but he didn't feel he knew enough about her. She felt like a half-finished painting, some parts beautiful and intricately detailed, others a painfully blank patch of canvas, never to be filled.

"I bet your itching to know what's in that box right? Well, you can go ahead and open it now."

Shepard paused, giving him time to slide the box closer to him. With a sense of anticipation so intense it was almost palpable; he reverently opened the box, holding his breath. He gently tipped the lid back on its small brass hinges, letting it rest against the cool glass of the coffee table and looked inside. The lining of the box was a deep red satin and nestled within the sleek smooth cocoon were several small items. Random objects waiting for her to bring relevance to them.

"There should be a small titanium case in the box."

Kaidan reached in to retrieve the case from within. He turned it over in his hand and gazed quizzically at the Alliance logo emblazoned on the top, as he unclipped the fastening. The small, golden, star-shaped object within glistened in the glow of the vid screen. Being an Alliance soldier, he recognised it instantly.

"I'm sure I don't need to tell you what that is." She smiled but he could tell it was forced.

The Star of Terra was beautiful and intricate. It hung from a large blue ribbon coiled under the display pillow on which it rested. He'd never seen one up close before; they were so rarely handed out. This medal was one of the highest honours that could be bestowed upon a marine, and was only presented to those that the Systems Alliance deemed to be heroes of humanity. Shepard had earned hers during the Skyllian Blitz in 2176. She had been on shore leave on Elysium, when a huge band of pirates, slavers and Batarian warlords laid siege to the colony. She had single-handedly managed to repel the mercenary forces long enough for reinforcements to arrive.

"I still say that was some kind of PR stunt, I didn't earn the damn thing. Elysium wasn't a victory, a lot of people died. In point of fact, more people died than were saved in Illyria, where I was. Civilians, children... good soldiers." Her face clouded as her gaze drifted down, no doubt in response to some unpleasant memory of the battle to save the colony.

"Why reward me for not being good enough at my job?" Her mouth pressed together into a hard line and she closed her eyes briefly as she sighed. "Anyway, it's yours now. Do what you want with it."

It was obvious to Kaidan that she kept the medal as a reminder to do better, do more, act faster. The notion was laughable in this instance. He'd seen the reports at the time of the siege, what she had done was astounding. As a fresh faced 22 year old 2nd Lieutenant she had saved that colony and countless lives. She had earned this award without a shadow of a doubt. He flipped the star over in its case and read the inscription emblazoned across the back.

'FOR COURAGE AND VALOUR UNDER FIRE, ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY'

How could she say she hadn't earned that?

"There's a necklace in the box." She hastily moved on. Kaidan deposited the case on the table and routed through the box for the necklace. He found it nestled in the satin at the bottom.

"It's my mum's locket; there are pictures of my family inside."

With his large calloused hands, he shakily fumbled with the delicate latch of the locket and carefully opened it. Inside a tiny holovid flickered to life. The first three dimensional image was of a middle aged man, with thick dark unruly hair the same rich brown as Shepard's. He had a weathered look about him, as of someone who has spent a lot of time outside. His eyes were a steely gray and his smile was genuine and welcoming.

His visage flickered and faded, to be replaced by the image of a middle aged woman. Her head is flung back in laughter, her auburn hair tumbling around her shoulders and her cheeks flushed. It was plain to see this was where Shepard got her full lips and bright azure eyes.

The next image to be displayed was of a young man in his late teens or early twenties. He was tall and toned, tanned skin and with the same thick shock of brown hair as her father. His eyes are a slightly darker shade of gray and framed by thick lashes. His smile... his smile is a carbon copy of the smile he loves more than any other with the same slight elevation on the right side.

He was replaced by a slightly younger girl. Her hair, a fabulous light auburn, is cropped to her shoulders and flicks out at the sides. A fine feathering of layers frames her face. Her eyes are azure blue like her mothers, like Shepard's, but that is where the similarity ends. Her lips are thin but shapely and her are cheeks full.

As the image of the girl fades she is replaced by an image that stops his heart. Shepard. There is no mistaking her. She's young, so very young, 13 at the most. Her warm chocolate locks are artfully pulled back into a ponytail. The thin tendrils escaping are perfectly curled. She had thick bangs, swept slightly to one side. The scar on her right cheek that he'd kissed so often was not yet there. He sparkling blue eyes melted his heart. There was no trace of the sadness and hurt that he always saw lying just below the surface. Her full bee stung lips are quirked in a playful smile. He scanned the locket with his omni-tool, copying the image. After a brief pause the image flickers to life in front of him, larger, clearer. He smiled sadly at the image before him.

"My brother made that for her. He was as good with tech as you. She was thrilled with it, never took it off. Look after it Kaidan." She pleaded earnestly.

He solemnly nodded his head, closed down the larger image before him and gently shut the locket, placing it softly on the table.

"My sisters charm bracelet is in there too. It was my grandmothers, she passed away when I was young and it was handed down to Ella. I used to sit on her lap playing with it. There's a little church charm that opens up." As she spoke with evident fondness, Kaidan retrieved the charm from the now almost empty box, a small twinge of sadness washed over him when he realised this was coming to an end. "I used so sit for hours opening it and looking inside."

He flicked open the charm easily. Inside were three little figures, two kneeling before the third, a tiny silver couple getting married before a priest. It was so detailed. His heart sank a little as he examined it. If things had worked out between them, he might have proposed to her. They might have been married, had children together. They would have had her azure eyes and his olive skin. He would have liked to think they would have inherited his calm nature but he knows that Shepard's wild side and flare for adventure would likely have taken hold. They would all run him ragged, his children running wild around their house and his wife shrugging apologetically for some reckless action or other. She would mouth 'sorry' and 'I love you' to him, unable to be heard over the din of their offspring. This is the future he saw for them as he lay there watching her sleep in their hotel bed, just days after sovereigns attack on the Citadel. The future that died along with her in the pressing cold vacuum of space.

"I was always so jealous of Ella back then." Her voice bringing him back to the present. "I really wanted that bracelet, I used to constantly try to get her to trade with me, but she never would. My mum promised me that she would get me one for my 18th. That of course never happened, but I look after my sisters bracelet, and now hopefully you will too." She smiled fondly.

"Just two more things left now." she informed him sadly as she glanced over her shoulder once more, watching him stretched out on the bed behind her. "I better be quick, you're getting kinda restless over there. There should be a small book with a battered green spine. It's my copy of The Wind in the Willow. Yes, an actual honest to goodness book, complete with the best thing in the world... old book smell." She smiled widely. "That little book has been in the Shepard family for a long time. It means the world to me."

He stared down at the small worn book in his hands, lifting it to his face he inhaled the comforting musky aroma of the aged paper closing his eyes. He delicately opened the book and smiled. On the inside page was a list of names, owners of the book. Shepard's name was the last in the line.

"My father and I used to read it together. It was my favourite story, still is I guess. I used to attempt to draw the characters from it as a child but stick figures are about my limit. I'm not at all artistic."

He paid close attention to these little tip bits of information. These would help him add colour and definition to the half finished canvas of who she was. The more he could paint the less guilt he would feel for not knowing her as well as she deserved.

"Ok, last but by no means least, there should also be a small leather binder, grab it out." hesitantly he set the book down like it was some priceless heirloom, and when he thought about it, it was, to him at least and to her. He returned his attention to the box.

The binder was tucked neatly along one side. The leather was soft and smooth from age and constant use. In the lower right corner, three letters were embossed on the surface in a flowing golden script, A.H.S, Amanda Hannah Shepard. There was a small ornate golden button stitched to the centre of the front cover, with a delicate leather strap wrapped around it holding the book closed and the contents secured. Kaidan unwound the leather and let the binder fall open in his lap. Inside were countless sheets of old discoloured paper, each sheet was covered in hand written music.

"My dad brought me this for my 10th birthday, after he found me using mum's lipstick on my bedroom wall to write my music. I never did like using datapads or terminals for that. I don't know why, it just seemed wrong some how. It's all my own work. If you know someone who plays, I don't mind if you get them to play it to you. Most of it is not that good, but there are a few I'm proud of." Her eyes were filled with wistful nostalgia.

Kaidan placed his hand gently on the topmost sheet of paper and delicately ran the tip of his fingers across the sweeping line of notes. This was something so special. It represented hours upon hours of her work and creativity. There was such care and attention evident on the pages. He was immeasurably touched that she wanted him to have this. He had no idea she even played an instrument, let alone wrote music. He longed to hear the songs she'd written. To see if he could hear her in the gentle melodies.

"And that's it, that's all I have. Not much to show for my life really when you think about it, but then I never did want to leave behind a lot of possessions. I just want to help protect life, keep it safe or die trying. I like to think I've done that. So whether I die on Ilos or wherever we head after that, don't feel bad Kaidan. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are the one person I trust to look after these things. You're such a thoughtful and caring man, I couldn't pick a better person to trust with what's left of my families legacy."

His eyes were fixed on her now, her face slightly pained and her lips lifted in a sympathetic smile. His heart ached. His hands fisted as a desire to hold her and touch her swept over him. He longed to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her ardently.

"Ash once showed me a poem that she recited at her fathers funeral, it's a message for those left behind. I like to read it to you."

Kaidan pursed his lips and felt the familiar constricting of his chest and throat.

"Don't stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there; I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow,  
I am the sun on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft star-shine at night.  
Don't stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die."

He bit his bottom lip and began to sob silently, letting himself sink into his grief like a pebble tossed in a cold dark lake. He stood slowly made his way across the room towards the vid screen on unsteady legs. Reaching out, he ran the tips of his fingers down the image of her cheek and let out a ragged breath, as Shepard looked down and sighed. When her eyes returned they were full of sadness and longing.

"Kaidan. I..." She was interrupted by rustling from the bed behind her.

"Hey Shepard, what are you up to over there?" She blanched and closed her eyes briefly before smiling and turning round to answer him.

"Hey yourself. I... couldn't sleep. Just recording a video message for someone." She shrugged.

"Oh. Say uh... I'm getting kinda cold and lonely over here. I could sure use a little something or someone to warm me up." he could hear her quietly chuckle but he couldn't see the radiant smile he remembered her giving him.

"Let me finish this off and I'll see what I can do about that."

"Well, don't take too long. I may start without you... or fall asleep." He chuckled knitting is hands behind his head.

"Alright Kaidan." Shepard turned back to the screen with a sad smile. She leaned in close and her voice again became a barely audible whisper.

"Well I guess that's it." she glances over her shoulder. "Duty calls... goodbye Kaidan."

Her gentle smile froze on the screen for a few seconds then vanished.

Kaidan felt like he'd been sucker punched in the gut, he couldn't breathe, couldn't think. He suddenly felt an oppressive weight bearing down on him, he could hardly stand. Resting his back against the wall he slowly slid to the floor, buried his head in to his knees and wept until sleep claimed him.

~o~

When he awoke several hours later, his head was pounding and his throat was dry. The skin of his cheeks felt tight from the now dried tears and his eyes were puffy and sore. He slowly rose to his feet, his sense of grief feeling like a heavy weight around his neck, as he made his way to the kitchenette sink.

He splashed cold water on his face and neck before trudging back to the sofa and dropping onto it with a heavy sigh. He looked down at the items spread out on the table, the items that _were_ hers and _now_ are his. He thought if he had something to cling on to that the pain would lessen. That's why he'd come here after all, looking for something of hers, something special to her. Now he had that in spades, but the emptiness inside was still there. Still as agonisingly raw as a fresh open wound. They were just objects at the end of the day, what he really wanted was her. Clinging to these items was like grasping at shadows, he could see her there but she was still out of reach and always would be. There was no easy fix for this, no magical cure. It would just take time, not to heal, never to heal, but for it to become tolerable.

With a sigh he quietly placed the items back into the box, including the silver fork. Closing the lid, he set it beside him on the sofa and curled himself around it, hugging it to his heart.

After a moment he reached for his omni-tool and tapped out a few commands. Shepard's image returned to the screen.

"Hey Kaidan. If you're watching this, I guess I didn't make it."

He closed his eyes as the vid started again and listened to the sound of her voice, a single tear running down his cheek.


End file.
